I accidentally had phone sex last night
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
