the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
