Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Randomize
