Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Randomize
