I faked an abortion last night.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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