i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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