my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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