you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
