i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
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