1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
