I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
