My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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