Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
