How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
