I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize