new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
