Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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