Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Randomize
