Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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