Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
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