theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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