I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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