I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
