This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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