there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
