I want to have your abortion
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
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