I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
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