I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
