I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
