Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize