by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
