apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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