I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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