He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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