I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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