if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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