The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
