She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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