I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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