I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
