i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
