my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
