I can text with my tongue
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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