Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
