and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
we're making bets on your personal life
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
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