i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize