I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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