well I can't set my house on fire every night
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
