I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Randomize
