The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
