I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Randomize
