Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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