I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
