Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
