You were right. It hurts to walk today.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
please don't ironically join a cult
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