Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
