My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
